{where has your sparkle gone?}

dear universe,

I have left the blogosphere so many times and i always come back with reasons and excuses as to why i left but i don’t really have and excuses this time. i have just felt extremely unmotivated and lost so i took an unscheduled break from blogging. i am back now {duh}. i can’t promise how often i will be on here as to i am very busy this summer but i will do my best to post as often as i can.

random insert- i am sitting in my living room writing this right now at 7pm and it is freezing. my siblings have some friends over so the background noises include video games and commentary, a bunch of screaming hyper little girls and Britt Nicole blasting our of my echo dot that they have discovered how to work and i am to lazy to go turn down.

for this post i just decided to entire some short slightly poetic things i found in one of my old journals. enjoy;)

may or may not be editing right now (10pm) and thinking about how much time i spent on this. but still. ;p i did eat and go to the store during this time though so i didn’t spend all three hours typing this.

also {p.s} i am starting a new theme on my blog so be prepared for a bit of “remodeling”.

p.p.s i just realized that the title is confusing but you’ll get it once you’ve read further. ❤


dear universe,

i’m so lost. i’m not sure how to express what i feel but i will do my best…

it feels like my emotions are overflowing and i can’t control them anymore. everything is intensified. at the same time, i feel a dead pan of vast, inexplicable depression. the kind that makes you feel overwhelmed and to energetic yet to calm and demotivated at the same time. me heart aches and feels as though a rather heavy weight has been attached and my heart is slowly breaking under its weight. i anger way to quickly. physical pain no longer shows distaste, i almost welcome it. i feel so vulnerable, open, undefended and misunderstood. i feel really… um, dead honestly.  i feel ignored, hated, unloved, incomplete, scared, unable to defend myself, sick, beaten, used, devastated, forsaken, forgotten, hopeless, sad, anxious, betrayed, tricked, ugly, gross, meaningless, rotten, lost, fearful, unknown, and petty. it feels like the universe is sucking me into a void of nothingness regardless of whether i care. it feels as if the universe is moving on without me and in the process, forgetting about my very existence.


dear universe,

my dear, my love, my only,

where has your sparkle gone? i lost mine a long time ago… i thought yours would stay a while though. it was so gorgeous. you keep asking me what a sparkle is and how we have lost ours. now your asking why that questions seems to make me so sad. “i know it is hard to understand you but i can try,” you say. i look away. i don’t want to talk. i know my words don’t matter much anyway nor do they make much since. i think in my head for you to go away even though i know it will only make my pain worse. my sparkle gets slowly dimmer with every step you take away. i start to wonder why i made you leave in the first place. i can’t remember. nothing was worth this pain. i can feel it sharpening the edges of my already broken heart. shaving off the smooth edges i had left. i know somehow as you leave that you’re never coming back. if i could i would call you back to explain to you. somehow i have lost my voice. i can’t speak. i go to move to motion you back as you look back just once only to find i can’t move. i begin to cry. the tears i didn’t know i had left sting my cheeks as they roll down my face. i finally realize i can speak and i scream your name. it’s to late. you’re to far away. i break. falling into this heap of self pity i know i don’t deserve. i hate this. myself i mean. i’m not entirely sure why… i only wish i could call you back to me. “Joy,” i whisper, “please come back… i need you.” no answer. i sink deeper into myself and am startled by a hand on my shoulder. “Joy?” i whisper, full of hope. i turn to see a i recognize but only faintly. “hi,” she whispers, “why are you crying?” i look at her, she seems nice. i wipe the tears from my face. “i’m okay, just hurt but that’s okay, wounds heal.” she smiles at me, helps me up and says “well, i’m sorry to hear that you are hurting, but i am here for you anytime.” i look up are her, she is taller then i expected. “thank you… i forgot to ask, what is your name?” she grins only the slightest bit. “my name is Depression, nice to meet you Bethany.” i flinch. i still don’t know why. i never remembered mentioning my name. she wraps me up in a hug. at first her hug seems normal, almost comforting, but then she gripped me tighter and didn’t let go. i struggle a bit but she seems to grow and increase her hold on me. i can no move. this is a bit uncomfortable, i think. then, suddenly the memories i treasure of Joy and her presence seem to fade.


dear universe,

  • i said sorry
  • i’m sorry
  • i tried
  • i’m trying
  • i promised
  • i promise
  • i laughed it off
  • i can’t bring myself to laugh anymore
  • i denied it
  • i’m denying it
  • i failed
  • i’m failing
  • i hoped
  • i’m hoping
  • i died
  • i’m dying
  • someone cried for help
  • i’m helping
  • i cried for help
  • i’ve stopped trying
  • no one’s coming
  • i’m done
  • your wondering why i’m still using bullets for these fragments of thought
  • i’m wondering why i can’t stop thinking about bullets
  • i want to put one through my head
  • i think i will
  • tomorrow
  • tonight
  • soon
  • i’ll fight
  • i’ll try
  • i promise… to die
  • goodbye
  • bye
  • goodnight
  • the night doesn’t seem so good anymore
  • maybe i can make it good for you
  • tell me how
  • i’ll do anything, just to see you smile again
  • it’s so beautiful
  • you i mean
  • you take my breath away
  • you make me smile even if it is fake
  • i’m glad i know you
  • i just wish i’d know you longer
  • then you’d know that suicide didn’t used to be the only thing on my mind
  • you would have seen the old me
  • a smile
  • that is rare
  • now a grin is all i can bear
  • i swear
  • i should stop with the bullets they aren’t helping anything
  • yet they are just like my heart
  • a hole so black you can’t see the sparkle behind
  • i wish
  • i know
  • it will never be granted
  • i wish i had someone who could see my sparkle
  • i know i’m not good enough to deserve that
  • i’m sorry i sound so pitiful
  • i’ll stop

dear universe,

today he talked to me. i’m not sure why but i loved it… his voice is so wonderful. even better then the dreams i have to admit i haven’t been able to think of much but him since the day i say him. he makes me smile, genuinely for the first time in a long time. i can’t get my hopes up though. he is way out of my league. it is just like fate to put a guy for me to drool over in class every other day. i miss his voice. i need to stop. he wouldn’t notice me. he couldn’t. because, well, he doesn’t exist. it was a lovely dream though, much less frightening than the others.


 

 

i promise not all my posts will be sad. but i kinda like the way this one sounds so i had to.

my next post is going to be a poetry post with a few poems i’ve done and i may even put that up super soon just because i haven’t posted in so long.

also coming up i believe i have been nominated for a couple things so those i need to do.

have an absolutely lovely rest of your day/night/time (depending on when you read this)

i love you, you are loved.


comment below should i do a post soon about my health journey with everything from how i treat my hair to what medicine i take or post about my makeup routine “glam” vs. everyday/school and my makeup products? 

17 thoughts on “{where has your sparkle gone?}

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